October 3 - October 9, 2011

Pain wise the week was much better than the week before. The rolling bag for class work helps tremendously. Actually having time in my schedule for a chiro appointment also helped. I was as close to pain free on Thursday as I've ever been in the past year and a half. That was an amazing feeling, one I'd like to have more often. Taking Friday off (I love paid time off) to get some errands run and rest helped some too. Ten weeks left in the quarter. Remembering to breathe deeply and meditate will be key, as will studying and continuing to do the things that help keep the pain at bay.

Hugs and Hand Holding

Meditation practice still weak.  I fell asleep last night.  I think the middle to the end of the week are going to be tricky for a while because I am so worn out.  Dr. Kabat-Zinn says it's important to show up and do what we can.  I'm good at that part and I'm learning to accept that sometimes just showing up is all I can do.

Woke up this morning feeling like we'd made a breakthrough of some sort.  Pain level was tolerable.  I even thought about taking the camera out somewhere this weekend.  We'll see if there's any hope left because I'm pretty sore right now.  Not even a two-hour nap at the accupuncturist helped.  There may be a paraffin bath in my future, they're not as expensive as I expected.

Dat and I are still having conversations about what role accupuncture plays in my life.  We're coming from it at two different perspectives but I know we'll keep talking.  I don't expect instant gratification, I know it's a process.  I just get really frustrated at times.  I'll keep going because, if nothing else, 2+ hours just sitting and being is restful.  Or maybe it's the 2+ hours dozy naps I wind up taking that are restful.  I had Dr. Kabat-Zinn in one ear and I just sat and tried to pay attention but I kept drifting off.  He was only in one ear because one of the needles in the other made it difficult to put the earbud in comfortably.

It occurred to me on the way home that maybe all the hand holding I do at work is making my hands hurt.  There's a lot we do to help people on their way, often too much.  We're working on breaking my habit of doing more than I should and letting other people take responsibility for their bad grades.

I'm a very huggy person.  I love them.  I would give a hug to just about anyone and everyone if they would let me.  There are people at work I hug (today it was one of our students), all my healers get hugs and now Dat has joined the Auntie Pain hugging club.  I wonder what he thinks about that.  I kinda figure we're all in something together and hugs just feel good.

A New Protocol

No meditation last night, I got caught up in TV.  More discipline please.

I'm still sleeping poorly.  The cycle of two hours and up to pee continues.  Last night, I went to sleep listening to the new age music channel on DirectTV only to be wakened at 2:30 by really loud TV voices.  I don't know what the TiVo was doing, but it switched from the calming music to a tv show and startled me awake.  No fun, and no rest.

The past couple of days at work have been less typing and more shoveling through the piles of paper to get last minute grades done.  That helps.  But next week the typing returns as the letter writing gets worked on.  I'm so far behind on things, all I can do is just keep pushing.

It's not that nothing is working, it's that ... well, nothing is really working to alleviate my pain.  The meditation "practice" is new, the acupuncture doesn't give long lasting effects, the Graston isn't working; blah, blah, blah.  I'm doing everything I can think of but the pain isn't really abating.

Everything, that is, except to stop typing.  Which brings me to the most probing question of the day:  "If typing hurts you, why are you blogging?"  I don't yet have a good answer to that.  Typing just seems to be the way I organize my thoughts.  But don't expect the stream of consciousness to stop completely.  On the Road is one of my favorite books, that should tell you something.

The sudden shift in chiro interns seemed to be a perfect time to do a complete re-evaluation of my treatment/s.  There are still things we can try before we have to bring in the expensive guns at other facilities.  Dr. Waters busted out some ideas and the one we tried tonight worked temporarily and the treatment itself felt really good.  Big purple left hand pain receded to very tolerable levels, and my fingers haven't started to crab up like they usually do at night.

I am so happy with the energy the New Girl brings.  I used to roll my eyes when people would say, "it's like we were meant to be in each other's lives" upon just meeting someone.  But lately, it's been happening to me.  New Girl and I instantly knew there was a reason we would be working together.  I already admire her so much and thank her for her service to our country in Iraq.  She gives me hope that we can get me to a better quality of life.  In fact, she's my poster child.  She did it, so can I.  She loves the journey I'm on and was delighted to find out I was blogging about my adventures.

I left feeling energized and with the realization that I miss my photography very much and I have let work, math, and pain get in the way.  Although I carry a camera with me all the time, it's not the same as taking the SLR out on a journey.  That's my short term goal, to gather enough energy to go to one of my favorite places and shoot my heart out.  Plus I am long overdue for a commune with Mother Ocean.

What else can I tell you about today?  No, I think that's it.