A New Protocol

No meditation last night, I got caught up in TV.  More discipline please.

I'm still sleeping poorly.  The cycle of two hours and up to pee continues.  Last night, I went to sleep listening to the new age music channel on DirectTV only to be wakened at 2:30 by really loud TV voices.  I don't know what the TiVo was doing, but it switched from the calming music to a tv show and startled me awake.  No fun, and no rest.

The past couple of days at work have been less typing and more shoveling through the piles of paper to get last minute grades done.  That helps.  But next week the typing returns as the letter writing gets worked on.  I'm so far behind on things, all I can do is just keep pushing.

It's not that nothing is working, it's that ... well, nothing is really working to alleviate my pain.  The meditation "practice" is new, the acupuncture doesn't give long lasting effects, the Graston isn't working; blah, blah, blah.  I'm doing everything I can think of but the pain isn't really abating.

Everything, that is, except to stop typing.  Which brings me to the most probing question of the day:  "If typing hurts you, why are you blogging?"  I don't yet have a good answer to that.  Typing just seems to be the way I organize my thoughts.  But don't expect the stream of consciousness to stop completely.  On the Road is one of my favorite books, that should tell you something.

The sudden shift in chiro interns seemed to be a perfect time to do a complete re-evaluation of my treatment/s.  There are still things we can try before we have to bring in the expensive guns at other facilities.  Dr. Waters busted out some ideas and the one we tried tonight worked temporarily and the treatment itself felt really good.  Big purple left hand pain receded to very tolerable levels, and my fingers haven't started to crab up like they usually do at night.

I am so happy with the energy the New Girl brings.  I used to roll my eyes when people would say, "it's like we were meant to be in each other's lives" upon just meeting someone.  But lately, it's been happening to me.  New Girl and I instantly knew there was a reason we would be working together.  I already admire her so much and thank her for her service to our country in Iraq.  She gives me hope that we can get me to a better quality of life.  In fact, she's my poster child.  She did it, so can I.  She loves the journey I'm on and was delighted to find out I was blogging about my adventures.

I left feeling energized and with the realization that I miss my photography very much and I have let work, math, and pain get in the way.  Although I carry a camera with me all the time, it's not the same as taking the SLR out on a journey.  That's my short term goal, to gather enough energy to go to one of my favorite places and shoot my heart out.  Plus I am long overdue for a commune with Mother Ocean.

What else can I tell you about today?  No, I think that's it.

My Life With Pain

I've had carpal tunnel or RSI for over a year now.  The pain can be frustrating, and often takes a toll on me emotionally, as well as physically.  It's no fun.  My goal for this blog is to keep a chronicle of my "adventures with pain" as I work through it.  Of course, my goal for my life is to get to a place that's relatively pain free again.  I want to be able to go out on the weekends with my camera and visit some of my favorite places on the beaches, instead of sleeping nearly all day Saturday because my hands and arms hurt too much to do anything else.  I'd like Sunday to be more than laundry and just the bare essentials to get me through the next few days.

First, let's meet Team Pain all right?
Dat - my acupuncturist at Living Room Acupuncture.  We have an interesting relationship, we're learning a lot from each other. -read this post about my decision to stop accupuncture.

Palmer Chiropractic College

Rich - my masseuse at Inside and Out Body Therapy

Dr. John Kabat-Zinn whose Mindfulness Meditation for Pain Relief I have just started using.

As you might suspect, I have a busy schedule.  Work, seeing Team Pain almost every week (Rich only gets to see me every two weeks) and, starting next week, the Elementary Stats class which is the last class I need to graduate with a BA in History.

Because I use my hands all day at work, it's hard to think of coming home and doing even more typing!  What am I thinking?  I miss being creative and I kinda miss blogging.  This is my attempt to do both and chronicle (as I said before) how I work through the pain.

So here's one thing I've been thinking about since I left work today.  In one of his guided meditations, Dr. Kabat-Zinn talks about trying to bring my pain "center stage."  To acknowledge and embrace it, so to speak.  "It's already a part of your life ..."  I tried this at acupuncture on Monday and pain was not having any of it.

I pictured my heart as a big, comfortable space with a stage.  There's a big heavy burgundy velvet curtain across the back of the stage, like the ones at old movie houses.  The lighting is warm and there are comfortable places to sit or stand or ... be.  Then, per Dr. Kabat-Zinn's instruction, I picked a part of my pain to bring into my stagey heart (or hearted stage).  But big purple left hand pain was uncooperative.  The more I tried, the more I lost focus on my breathing and my mindfulness.  Fine, I thought, it doesn't have to be perfect, there is no right, there just is.

"What if?"  I thought on my drive home in the hot September sun in poor air-conditionerless Car, "what if, instead of trying to drag purple left hand pain into my heart I took my heart to it?"  The story that grew out of that question, while not a sitting (or lying) mediation with mindful breathing, gave me a lift.

I imagined myself taking a beautiful brocade blanket and going into a comfortable dimly lit room where purple left hand pain was standing.  Slowly I made my way over to it and sat on the floor in front of it.  (Picture an open left hand, palm out, thumb on top and fingers slightly curved.)  I nestled into the part of purple left hand pain's palm nearest the wrist.  I just sat, and nestled in, covering myself.  And big purple left hand pain and I just were together.

This will be my meditation practice for the next few days.  Let's see what happens when I take my big heart to where the pain is instead of trying to force the pain to move into my heart.  It could be the beginnings of a beautiful friendship!