Maybe Arthritis?

For the most part, the pain has receded to tolerable, downright livable most days.  I know my boss appreciates it because I don't bitch about it as much.  Since we have stopped treating me aggressively for carpal tunnel and my masseuse has worked on me more gently, the pain in my hands and arms have greatly decreased.  It's thought that now maybe what I really have is arthritis, which runs in the family and I have in my knees.  An appointment with an MD will confirm that.  Arthritis is more treatable than carpal tunnel, so this prospect actually makes me hopeful.  I'm having issues tonight with my hands, but even now it's not as immobilizing as it was a month ago.  I can still concentrate on homework, when I stop procrastinating that is.

October 10 - October 16, 2011

Monday:
Red right hand pain has returned but is not yet raging.  A lot of typing today which always sets it off.  Purple left hand pain isn't that bad.  Overall, the pain is tolerable.  I'm doing all I can to keep it all in balance.

Tuesday
Class.  Some pain but again, much more tolerable.  I am using a cold laser on one of my left hand fingers twice a day as an experiment.  So far, the finger hasn't crabbed up.  I am tired all the time despite sleeping better.  I'm sure that will change when the quarter is over and I have passed my class.

Wednesday
Having a hard time focusing on my studies.  All I want to do is sleep.  Pain is a bit more than yesterday.  My finger crabbed up in the middle of the night and there was a big knot on the tendon along the joint at the inside of the knuckle.  (Got that?)  A couple of hours later, the knot was gone and my finger had straightened out.  Cold laser continues, as do the paraffin baths in Dr. Waters' office, which just seem to fascinate everyone around.  I make mummy noises and motions when my hands are wrapped in plastic and we go back to the treatment room.  It amuses me.  Nadine found some very tender spots and as she worked on getting them to release, I was able to go straight to my heart room, with all the pain gathered in it, and ask my wrists to let go.  It's interesting to be able to do that.  Honestly, I have no idea if any of this is working but something is and I feel so much better so I don't ask a lot of questions.

Thursday:
Not feeling so hot so stayed home from work and slept all day.  Made it to class and groaned like everyone else at the pace of the formulas and equations being flung at us.  Took the quiz but am really not sure how I did.  How can I know the formula for standard deviation stone cold and then just blank like that?

Friday:
Back to work.  Pain is still tolerable, but increasing as it does every week.  A week of typing doesn't make for pain free moments.  Off to see Rich who went gently on my body again, which helped.

Saturday:
Right hand pain is starting to rage again.  Was able to get up and run errands on a Saturday for the first time in months.  The pain isn't so bad I can't do what I need to do, including study and get the recycling out.  As I sat in the chair getting my hair cut, I closed my eyes and meditated on my right hand, trying to figure out what it needs. 

Both my hands and my knees now reside in my heart shaped theatre room and I spend time there with them, just quietly being.  I don't know what they need or want when we're all in there so I just "be" with them.

I concentrated on raging red right hand pain, walking up to it and soothing it be leaning against it and stroking it like someone would a person in distress.  In the physical world, my right hand was resting on my belly.  This seems to help me focus on my breathing.  Anyway, in my meditative world, I just leaned up against my right hand and stroked it.  I didn't talk to it or try to reassure it or anything.  The lesson I seem to be learning, and practicing, is to just be.

Since school started nearly four weeks ago, my meditation practice has gone out the window.  I do visualizations when I get an off-moment but a sit-down or lie-down meditation hasn't actually happened in a while.  It will have to suffice for now.

I decided to stop the cold laser because my finger was getting tender and crabbing up a lot at night with the attendant knots.  The crabbing up doesn't stay for a long time but my finger has just been super tender so I decided to stop for now.

Sunday:
Laundry, studying, chores.  Right hand pain has raged off and on all day.  It's 9PM and I still have lots to do, including finish the dishes so I can make lunch for tomorrow, study and an ice bath for the hands.  Yay me.  I am grateful to be functional enough to do these things and to have enough brain power to contemplate them.

Things I'm Happy for This Week (10 October - 16 October)

My replacement Roku remote.
Pandora.
Honest Ade Classic Lemonade
Nadine
Megan Zoe Perez
Men of the Stacks - yes, it's objectifying and yes, I feel kinda strange about it.  But check out Mr. January.
26/30 in my first Stats quiz (booyah!)
Personal by Tony Hoagland
My TI-83 Plus

October 3 - October 9, 2011

Pain wise the week was much better than the week before. The rolling bag for class work helps tremendously. Actually having time in my schedule for a chiro appointment also helped. I was as close to pain free on Thursday as I've ever been in the past year and a half. That was an amazing feeling, one I'd like to have more often. Taking Friday off (I love paid time off) to get some errands run and rest helped some too. Ten weeks left in the quarter. Remembering to breathe deeply and meditate will be key, as will studying and continuing to do the things that help keep the pain at bay.

Things I'm Happy for Today

Tolerable pain
Extra special gratitude for the cool weather and the rain
The blessing in disguise that is my TiVo dieing
Getting another big thing off my to-do list

One of my favorite songs, even though she doesn't like the rain on her windows:

Things I'm Happy for Today (Last Week)

The cool morning weather.
Fresh plums and nectarines in my lunch bag.

Wednesday
That I can use my stapler today.
Online books for class.
The student office mate that makes me laugh.
Access to education
Surprise gifts of chocolate.

Thursday
PTO
Bottled Tazo Passion Infusion

Friday
Rich
The weekend

The Week That Was

What a week!  Filled with agony and fear that I was irrevocably broken.  The frustration with my physical pain almost did me in.  But I'm better now, a little.  Here's a recap of the week.

Tuesday:
Woke up feeling much better today.  My knees don't hurt at all!  Which made getting in and out of the shuttle van much easier.  Yay.  An hour+ commute this morning wasn't much help to my arms and hands though.  Trying the keyboard and mouse up on the desk instead of on the tray to see what difference that makes.

Stats class started tonight, not Thursday.  So not ready, emotionally or supply-wise.  No time to drive home from work and pick up stuff and drive back to school.  Had to wing it.  Exhausted, sweaty and in so much pain from my adventures on campus.  My goal of blogging every day is difficult to keep right now.  Also had to miss my chiro appointment because of my scheduling snafu.

Wednesday
Slept really great and deeply, tolerable pain when I woke up.  Hard day at work.  Red right hand pain enraged.
So tired and in so much pain when I got home.  Not much studying done.  So frustrated with not being able to pick up after myself because of the pain.

Thursday
Slept really well despite waking up in pain.  Knees much better today.

Woke up in so much pain in my arms, was unable to dress myself.  Took a couple more hours sleep and felt better, was able to make it into work.  It's clear that I have to figure some basic taking care of business routines figured out for the next 11 weeks so I can make it through class.

One of my classmates inspired me to get my rolling bag out instead of struggling with my sling bag.  That will make things much easier on my body, especially since I've found a parking lot that's on the same side of the road as campus and is a very gentle walk, with no steps.  Much better than "heart attack hill," as my classmate called it.

By the end of class my entire body was in a rage, my hands too sensitive to make the ice bath useful.  Getting an ocular migraine about 10 minutes before the end of class just added to the frustration.  Fortunately, it dissipated by the time I got to my car. 

Friday:
Slept well but not enough.  The keyboard on the desk trick didn't last the day earlier in the week, it's back on the keyboard tray.  I don't know what the answer is yet.  Talked with Dr. Waters who thinks we may have been treating me much too aggressively and we decide to go a little easier.  The adhesion on my right hand is back to where it started months ago, no amount of Graston seems to have made a difference.  With this in mind, I asked Rich to go easier on me during my massage.  Home and trying to sleep but not too successful.  Head filled with plans to go run errands on Saturday instead of sleeping.

Saturday:
No surprise that my hands hurt so damned much.  It was impossible to do much of anything except try to sleep.  So frustrating.  Plus the meteorologists lied and it got hotter than predicted.  Heat really plays a number on me.  Finally about 6:30 I could move my hands better.  Took care of dinner and started the great reclaiming my desk caper.  I'm frustrated that I'm so tired and can't get done what I want to get done.  I tried meditating to speak to my pain and I couldn't get in.  "It's okay," I kept reassuring myself, "just keep trying."

Blogging will now obviously be sporadic throughout the week depending on how I feel and time.  I have a lot of studying to do.  The pressure is on to pass this class, which means studying and keeping up.

I know I can do all of this and survive.

Things I'm Happy For Today

Cooler weather.
My supervisor.
Mini birthday cupcakes.
Getting a big thing marked off my "to do" list.
The return of "The Amazing Race."
Good friends who make me giggle out loud.
Sprouts
Original Two Bite Blueberry Scones

Shoulders

Pain was tolerable for most of the day but I'm having problems with my shoulders now.  Knees are also causing me pain.  Did the ice bath for both hands, waiting to see what I think about it.  Not much to say today.  My body aches and it's time to go to sleep.

Things I'm Happy For Today

Cooler weather.
Reading at the laundromat.
The little girl just learning to walk who kept giving me toothy grins.
Little Caesar's <$10 pizza meal deal.
My recycling and trash out the door.

Decision

As per usual, I slept all day Saturday.  Not this time so much to avoid the pain but because I was really that worn out.  I noticed the pain came and went in cycles but I'm not sure why.  For most of the weekend it's been tolerable.  Not tolerable enough to take my camera out but tolerable enough to have the actual debate with myself.

It starts with the hands, always the hands, and then works its way up my arms.  Opening and closing my hands has presented me with various levels of flexibility and pain.  The thenar, in particular, is painful; no doubt from overuse and bad posture - both of which I'm trying to address.  The fingers on my left hand haven't crabbed up since the paraffin bath and the adhesion on one of the tendons that runs down the center of my palm beneath the middle finger feels better.  Dr. Waters may be right, we may have been treating me too aggressively.  It seems there are still some very simple things we can try before sending me to an orthopedist or something.

After meditating on Dat's point about just going back to all the stress after a treatment, I made some decisions.  Thinking about all the stressors in my life right now and the way I spend my time made me decide to drop the acupuncture, for now.  Dat wanted to treat me more than once a week or to commit to a Saturday morning class that began at 5AM; neither of which I can, or am willing to, do.  Add to that the drive from work to see Dat was more stressful than even my worst morning commute and the decision became easier.  I'm glad for the things Dat has given me to think about but it's time to do something different.

I need to concentrate on the environments I have to function in, and the stressors within them.  One of those starts next Thursday at 6PM.  It's known as Elementary Stats.  I need to pass this class, and I need all the energy and time I can muster to get through it.  12 more weeks is all I need.

The final paragraph:  too hot to go out Saturday, enough energy today to do laundry and get some chores done.  It's nice and cool now which always makes life easier.

Hugs and Hand Holding

Meditation practice still weak.  I fell asleep last night.  I think the middle to the end of the week are going to be tricky for a while because I am so worn out.  Dr. Kabat-Zinn says it's important to show up and do what we can.  I'm good at that part and I'm learning to accept that sometimes just showing up is all I can do.

Woke up this morning feeling like we'd made a breakthrough of some sort.  Pain level was tolerable.  I even thought about taking the camera out somewhere this weekend.  We'll see if there's any hope left because I'm pretty sore right now.  Not even a two-hour nap at the accupuncturist helped.  There may be a paraffin bath in my future, they're not as expensive as I expected.

Dat and I are still having conversations about what role accupuncture plays in my life.  We're coming from it at two different perspectives but I know we'll keep talking.  I don't expect instant gratification, I know it's a process.  I just get really frustrated at times.  I'll keep going because, if nothing else, 2+ hours just sitting and being is restful.  Or maybe it's the 2+ hours dozy naps I wind up taking that are restful.  I had Dr. Kabat-Zinn in one ear and I just sat and tried to pay attention but I kept drifting off.  He was only in one ear because one of the needles in the other made it difficult to put the earbud in comfortably.

It occurred to me on the way home that maybe all the hand holding I do at work is making my hands hurt.  There's a lot we do to help people on their way, often too much.  We're working on breaking my habit of doing more than I should and letting other people take responsibility for their bad grades.

I'm a very huggy person.  I love them.  I would give a hug to just about anyone and everyone if they would let me.  There are people at work I hug (today it was one of our students), all my healers get hugs and now Dat has joined the Auntie Pain hugging club.  I wonder what he thinks about that.  I kinda figure we're all in something together and hugs just feel good.

Things I'm Happy For Today

That it's Friday!
That while I woke up in pain, it was well within tolerable.
I woke up happy and hopeful for the first time in many, many weeks.
"Big Bang Theory" is back!
My ocean and rain mp3
Having hope that I might actually have enough energy and the pain level will be low enough to get my camera out.
That even though it was a confusing and time consuming, Dell's Order Verification department called me at work to verify an order I most definitely did not place.  [insert long weird story here]
That even though no actual crime was committed, the nice officer called and listened.
Hugs!
Dat helping me out of Car and the lounge chair.

A New Protocol

No meditation last night, I got caught up in TV.  More discipline please.

I'm still sleeping poorly.  The cycle of two hours and up to pee continues.  Last night, I went to sleep listening to the new age music channel on DirectTV only to be wakened at 2:30 by really loud TV voices.  I don't know what the TiVo was doing, but it switched from the calming music to a tv show and startled me awake.  No fun, and no rest.

The past couple of days at work have been less typing and more shoveling through the piles of paper to get last minute grades done.  That helps.  But next week the typing returns as the letter writing gets worked on.  I'm so far behind on things, all I can do is just keep pushing.

It's not that nothing is working, it's that ... well, nothing is really working to alleviate my pain.  The meditation "practice" is new, the acupuncture doesn't give long lasting effects, the Graston isn't working; blah, blah, blah.  I'm doing everything I can think of but the pain isn't really abating.

Everything, that is, except to stop typing.  Which brings me to the most probing question of the day:  "If typing hurts you, why are you blogging?"  I don't yet have a good answer to that.  Typing just seems to be the way I organize my thoughts.  But don't expect the stream of consciousness to stop completely.  On the Road is one of my favorite books, that should tell you something.

The sudden shift in chiro interns seemed to be a perfect time to do a complete re-evaluation of my treatment/s.  There are still things we can try before we have to bring in the expensive guns at other facilities.  Dr. Waters busted out some ideas and the one we tried tonight worked temporarily and the treatment itself felt really good.  Big purple left hand pain receded to very tolerable levels, and my fingers haven't started to crab up like they usually do at night.

I am so happy with the energy the New Girl brings.  I used to roll my eyes when people would say, "it's like we were meant to be in each other's lives" upon just meeting someone.  But lately, it's been happening to me.  New Girl and I instantly knew there was a reason we would be working together.  I already admire her so much and thank her for her service to our country in Iraq.  She gives me hope that we can get me to a better quality of life.  In fact, she's my poster child.  She did it, so can I.  She loves the journey I'm on and was delighted to find out I was blogging about my adventures.

I left feeling energized and with the realization that I miss my photography very much and I have let work, math, and pain get in the way.  Although I carry a camera with me all the time, it's not the same as taking the SLR out on a journey.  That's my short term goal, to gather enough energy to go to one of my favorite places and shoot my heart out.  Plus I am long overdue for a commune with Mother Ocean.

What else can I tell you about today?  No, I think that's it.

Things I am Grateful For Today

The beautiful fog as I came into the foothills towards work.
The nice cool weather in the mornings.
Seeing a young deer on the side of the road.
Meeting my new chiro intern who is already a blessing and left me feeling energized.
Tonight Project Runway finally sent that spoiled fragile little flower Olivier "auf."

Things I'm Happy For/With Today

Watching last night's Craig Ferguson without the TiVo crashing.
Togo's Wednesday $5 combo special, the Italian!
As hot as it can be, my own little apartment where the only crazy people are me.
Dr. Charity who continues to crack me up with her increasingly sarcastic email.  ("Oh how convenient that the food and coffee will be near YOUR office.")
Dr. Waters who keeps my chiro interns in line and is an important part of Team Pain.
That P!nk's "Raise Your Glass" is my ring tone. "Raise your glass if you're wrong in all the right ways."

My Life With Pain

I've had carpal tunnel or RSI for over a year now.  The pain can be frustrating, and often takes a toll on me emotionally, as well as physically.  It's no fun.  My goal for this blog is to keep a chronicle of my "adventures with pain" as I work through it.  Of course, my goal for my life is to get to a place that's relatively pain free again.  I want to be able to go out on the weekends with my camera and visit some of my favorite places on the beaches, instead of sleeping nearly all day Saturday because my hands and arms hurt too much to do anything else.  I'd like Sunday to be more than laundry and just the bare essentials to get me through the next few days.

First, let's meet Team Pain all right?
Dat - my acupuncturist at Living Room Acupuncture.  We have an interesting relationship, we're learning a lot from each other. -read this post about my decision to stop accupuncture.

Palmer Chiropractic College

Rich - my masseuse at Inside and Out Body Therapy

Dr. John Kabat-Zinn whose Mindfulness Meditation for Pain Relief I have just started using.

As you might suspect, I have a busy schedule.  Work, seeing Team Pain almost every week (Rich only gets to see me every two weeks) and, starting next week, the Elementary Stats class which is the last class I need to graduate with a BA in History.

Because I use my hands all day at work, it's hard to think of coming home and doing even more typing!  What am I thinking?  I miss being creative and I kinda miss blogging.  This is my attempt to do both and chronicle (as I said before) how I work through the pain.

So here's one thing I've been thinking about since I left work today.  In one of his guided meditations, Dr. Kabat-Zinn talks about trying to bring my pain "center stage."  To acknowledge and embrace it, so to speak.  "It's already a part of your life ..."  I tried this at acupuncture on Monday and pain was not having any of it.

I pictured my heart as a big, comfortable space with a stage.  There's a big heavy burgundy velvet curtain across the back of the stage, like the ones at old movie houses.  The lighting is warm and there are comfortable places to sit or stand or ... be.  Then, per Dr. Kabat-Zinn's instruction, I picked a part of my pain to bring into my stagey heart (or hearted stage).  But big purple left hand pain was uncooperative.  The more I tried, the more I lost focus on my breathing and my mindfulness.  Fine, I thought, it doesn't have to be perfect, there is no right, there just is.

"What if?"  I thought on my drive home in the hot September sun in poor air-conditionerless Car, "what if, instead of trying to drag purple left hand pain into my heart I took my heart to it?"  The story that grew out of that question, while not a sitting (or lying) mediation with mindful breathing, gave me a lift.

I imagined myself taking a beautiful brocade blanket and going into a comfortable dimly lit room where purple left hand pain was standing.  Slowly I made my way over to it and sat on the floor in front of it.  (Picture an open left hand, palm out, thumb on top and fingers slightly curved.)  I nestled into the part of purple left hand pain's palm nearest the wrist.  I just sat, and nestled in, covering myself.  And big purple left hand pain and I just were together.

This will be my meditation practice for the next few days.  Let's see what happens when I take my big heart to where the pain is instead of trying to force the pain to move into my heart.  It could be the beginnings of a beautiful friendship!