Decision

As per usual, I slept all day Saturday.  Not this time so much to avoid the pain but because I was really that worn out.  I noticed the pain came and went in cycles but I'm not sure why.  For most of the weekend it's been tolerable.  Not tolerable enough to take my camera out but tolerable enough to have the actual debate with myself.

It starts with the hands, always the hands, and then works its way up my arms.  Opening and closing my hands has presented me with various levels of flexibility and pain.  The thenar, in particular, is painful; no doubt from overuse and bad posture - both of which I'm trying to address.  The fingers on my left hand haven't crabbed up since the paraffin bath and the adhesion on one of the tendons that runs down the center of my palm beneath the middle finger feels better.  Dr. Waters may be right, we may have been treating me too aggressively.  It seems there are still some very simple things we can try before sending me to an orthopedist or something.

After meditating on Dat's point about just going back to all the stress after a treatment, I made some decisions.  Thinking about all the stressors in my life right now and the way I spend my time made me decide to drop the acupuncture, for now.  Dat wanted to treat me more than once a week or to commit to a Saturday morning class that began at 5AM; neither of which I can, or am willing to, do.  Add to that the drive from work to see Dat was more stressful than even my worst morning commute and the decision became easier.  I'm glad for the things Dat has given me to think about but it's time to do something different.

I need to concentrate on the environments I have to function in, and the stressors within them.  One of those starts next Thursday at 6PM.  It's known as Elementary Stats.  I need to pass this class, and I need all the energy and time I can muster to get through it.  12 more weeks is all I need.

The final paragraph:  too hot to go out Saturday, enough energy today to do laundry and get some chores done.  It's nice and cool now which always makes life easier.

Hugs and Hand Holding

Meditation practice still weak.  I fell asleep last night.  I think the middle to the end of the week are going to be tricky for a while because I am so worn out.  Dr. Kabat-Zinn says it's important to show up and do what we can.  I'm good at that part and I'm learning to accept that sometimes just showing up is all I can do.

Woke up this morning feeling like we'd made a breakthrough of some sort.  Pain level was tolerable.  I even thought about taking the camera out somewhere this weekend.  We'll see if there's any hope left because I'm pretty sore right now.  Not even a two-hour nap at the accupuncturist helped.  There may be a paraffin bath in my future, they're not as expensive as I expected.

Dat and I are still having conversations about what role accupuncture plays in my life.  We're coming from it at two different perspectives but I know we'll keep talking.  I don't expect instant gratification, I know it's a process.  I just get really frustrated at times.  I'll keep going because, if nothing else, 2+ hours just sitting and being is restful.  Or maybe it's the 2+ hours dozy naps I wind up taking that are restful.  I had Dr. Kabat-Zinn in one ear and I just sat and tried to pay attention but I kept drifting off.  He was only in one ear because one of the needles in the other made it difficult to put the earbud in comfortably.

It occurred to me on the way home that maybe all the hand holding I do at work is making my hands hurt.  There's a lot we do to help people on their way, often too much.  We're working on breaking my habit of doing more than I should and letting other people take responsibility for their bad grades.

I'm a very huggy person.  I love them.  I would give a hug to just about anyone and everyone if they would let me.  There are people at work I hug (today it was one of our students), all my healers get hugs and now Dat has joined the Auntie Pain hugging club.  I wonder what he thinks about that.  I kinda figure we're all in something together and hugs just feel good.